First morning nap in the Crib

After I change McKenna in the nursery (which is seldom because I usually like to change her on our bed), I set her in her crib to go wash my hands.  This morning she seemed particularly content with being in there, just gazing around with her mouth open.

She's been fussier the last couple of days, so anything that makes her NOT fuss or whine I'm good with trying.  So I turned on the music, laid a blanket over her, and grabbed the video monitor.

She looked so peaceful in there and decided to take a quick snooze.  This actually gave me my first chance to throw a load of baby laundry in the wash and have an uninterrupted sip of coffee.

Before anyone chastises me for the stuffed animals and blanket in the crib with a newborn, I will add that this event is anxiety-provoking for me because she just seems so teeny in that huge monster crib! I have not taken my eyes off of the monitor, and I can see her mouth and nose. I also can't stop myself from walking in there to stare at her every 2 minutes. But this is actually my first chance to give our video monitor a try... and I am so excited that we registered for it!

The camera on the window ledge

 

My coffee & monitor

It's the Motorola Wireless Video Baby Monitor. I foresee this thing allowing much more rest at nights when she is officially sleeping in the nursery.  It has so many features, but most important has color & night vision, and 2 way audio... the two most important features when looking for a monitor. I'm also getting a chance to write a quick blog!

But in the meantime, I don't see me leaving her in there much longer because this Mommy is feeling a bit of separation anxiety. Almost time to eat and snuggle ;-).

The emotional journey of Breastfeeding: The Boob

The more we used the shield, the more I hated it. But we had little progresses here and there where she would latch sans shield.  It was tough to remember that each time she did it was a step in the right direction, but I still found myself focusing on that highly anticipated subsequent feeding when she'd only accept the shield.  We were in a 2 steps forward, 1 step back cycle.  But that was still forward progress.

It was during this time I really turned up the bonding and skin-to-skin contact.  There were whole days I didn't put on a top!! Research shows skin-to-skin can play a critical role in bonding and successful breastfeeding.  I can say that over time she has gotten more relaxed and comfortable in my arms.

I was waiting for it all to one day just click.  It felt like it never would. Even when it finally did it didn't feel like it was a click.  But looking back it really did.  Specifically one middle-of-the-night feeding she was particularly fussy.  I didn't experiment too much during the night in an effort to avoid breakdowns, so the last thing I thought would work to soothe her would be to take the shield off. All of the previous successful attempts were after much persuasion.  Well she pretty much spit the shield out and latched on the first try.

After this, she accepted every feeding from my left breast sans shield (not without some refusal, encouragement, and patience at times).  My right is another story. For fear of keeping the shield on her mind as an option, I simply stopped offering it with the shield even if it means she refuses that breast. When she refuses it (which is still often), I switch her over to my left and pump my right. We're seeing the same type of slow progress we were seeing when trying to remove the shield.  Little by little she's accepting it more and more. I think it has a lot to do with positioning (I feel awkward holding her in my right arm vs my left), and also having an oversupply of milk (which makes it difficult for her to eat comfortably).

I think the most important thing about this whole process is knowing when to stop pushing and give her what she wants.  We've fought through some crying sessions and successfully had her latch, but one second too long at encouraging her and it would do more harm than good.  The last thing I wanted was to have her anticipating breastfeeding as a negative experience where she cried every time she was encouraged to eat. That would create the potential for her to go on a complete nursing strike.  Both with the shield and what we are currently doing to get her used to my right boob, there's a moment you learn to recognize to just give in.  Nothing good could come from forcing her to do anything, allowing her the opportunity to test the waters herself and experiment is what I believe has made this successful.

It is still a day-by-day struggle, but McKenna and I are beginning to learn WITH one another and read each other's nonverbal signals. It is very apparent she reacts according to my mood as I do of hers. I can say even with still working to get a routine and get her to freely accept my right breast, breastfeeding has become a rewarding experience already.  Now she looks like this after feedings:

I'd say she looks rather content.

I know it will still take some time, and we may even see some setbacks since reaching these milestones is still so recent, but we know we can do it.

The emotional journey of Breastfeeding: The Shield

With the frenulum clipped, we now had the physiological hurdle removed from the breastfeeding equation.  The next part would prove to be the most difficult: the psychological.  By this point, McKenna was enjoying simple and convenient feedings from the bottle.  Why in the hell should she make the effort to learn how to get it from the nipple that takes ten times longer and a whole lot more work? She would complete a meal in 2 minutes (even with a slow flow nipple), when breastfeeding can take anywhere from 10-60 minutes for a feeding. We experienced the same struggles with our feedings attempts as we did before the clip.

At this point, my emotion state was still extremely questionable. Kevin had called for me to quit trying completely, not because he was unsupportive, but because of what the whole situation was doing to my mental and emotional well-being. We would still have a completely healthy and happy baby if she was not breastfed.  What good am I to my Baby if I am an emotional wreck that can't string together an entire sentence.  If you can believe it, I will add that I am downplaying how rough this situation really was for me.

The one positive to this experience was the AMOUNT of milk I was producing. I was diligent.  Within a couple of days of my milk coming in I was producing more than 5 ounces in roughly 15 minutes, and would eventually completely fill both bottles before my pumping session was over. Within 2 days frozen milk bags already took up an entire shelf in the freezer. 

For the record, this is NOT normal for 2 weeks post-partum! Many would say, "Good Job!," but making too much milk has its own set of disadvantages as we will find out. I digress.

With one day of unsuccessful feeding post-clip, I made an appointment with a lactation consultant. 

At this appointment she monitored McKenna's latch and recognized that she could successfully breastfeed if she chose to, she had just already grown accustomed to the bottle. Due to the amount of milk I was producing, she recommended I start using a nipple shield.  There is quite a bit of controversy behind this if you google it, as it can effect milk supply and the amount of milk transferred to baby. And all it does it get Baby used to something else that's not the real nipple. But having McKenna eating from my breast was a step closer to where we wanted to be.  We popped that little piece of silicon on my breast and McKenna immediately started eating. I instantly felt some relief. I would need to keep a particularly close eye on McKenna's weight and diaper output to make sure she was getting enough food. [It is recommended that anyone using a shield work with a lactation consultant.]

While this put her at my breast, I quickly grew an aversion to using it. Strangely, I felt like a failure. Why doesn't she want to feed from ME? The shield also began to pinch with every feeding (think, the type of pinch when you get bloodwork done, but on your nipple. Not Fun.). I began to dread every time she looked like she was getting hungry because it hurt so badly.

Every strategy I attempted to remove it proved extremely unsuccessful, leading to Mommy and Baby crying uncontrollably and Mommy in severe pain. Offering sans shield at the beginning, halfway through, at the end, when she was sleeping, when she was drowsy, during the day, middle of the night, you name it, I attempted it. There would be a fluke feeding from time to time where she would take it sans shield. Ultimately, this is what we would build upon as the days went on.

Due to the concern of losing my supply during this time, the pumping routine also stayed in place. So sleep was still non-existent, but now Daddy couldn't help with feedings because I refused to offer bottles. I wanted to quit so badly, I even began writing a post during one of my middle-of-the-night pumping sessions about accepting the idea of exclusively breast pumping, what I would consider the most strenuous form of feeding because of the multi-step process.

Through all of this it was tough to remember the most important thing, she was still getting my breast milk. And she was gaining weight. This is really what mattered.

But I persevered. Again, nothing has ever tested my patience so much in my entire life.

The emotional journey of Breastfeeding: The Frenulum

Oh those 2 days between the hospital and the pediatrician appointment. The longest of my life. As we waited for Wednesday to arrive, I diligently maintained my pumping schedule: every 2 hours during the day, every 3 hours during the night.  This was also accompanied by my feeble and extremely stressful attempt to breastfeed McKenna.  She was visibly (and audibly) hungry, I was visibly falling apart at the seams.  I valiantly spent roughly 20 minutes trying to get her to latch unsuccessfully, then pumped, then fed her from the bottle.  By the time this process was complete, I had anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour before the process needed to start again. As I've mentioned many times before, it doesn't matter how tired I am, it takes me a while to fall asleep.  And clearly I had a lot racing through my mind. I was in a cloud of hopelessness.  It is amazing how hopeless and depressed you can feel while simultaneously feeling so much happiness and love at the same time.  It doesn't sound possible, but it is.  An hour of hysterical crying would be ended by peaceful gazing in wonderment at my beautiful newborn. They warn you of these emotions but nothing can prepare you for them.

McKenna's attached frenulum was confirmed by our pediatrician. Having learned that both Kevin and his older sister had needed their frenulums clipped as infants, we had already made the decision to move forward with it.  With our pediatricians referral and consent, we were directly on our way to have the procedure done immediately following our otherwise healthy first well-checkup. 

A frenulum clip is considered a simple procedure, however we were warned that the baby could have an upsetting reaction to it.  With my questionable emotional state, Kevin did not give me a choice whether I would be present for it so I was sent out of the room. With the first part of the procedure finished (and what they say is usually the most upsetting to Baby), Kevin sent for me to come back in because our Baby Girl is a badass.  She let out a couple seconds of crying and then was fine for the rest of the procedure.  So I ended up actually being present for the clip, not that we could even see anything.

This is how affected McKenna was by the procedure:

Less than 5 minutes after the procedure, still in the Doc's office, Cool as a Cucumber.

I had unfortunately read that some babies could have instantaneous success at breastfeeding immediately after the procedure. I wish I hadn't read that because it wasn't the case for us. But it was a necessary step in the right direction.

The difference pre- and post- procedure was pretty significant. Before the clip, when she cried you could see her tongue almost looked like it was stuck to the bottom of he mouth.  You could see where it was attached.  Afterward, it was so wonderful to see her moving her tongue around like it was a new experience for her.  You'd never think of sticking your tongue out as a novel experience, but Kevin and I got so much joy out of seeing her tongue move freely!

The emotional journey of Breastfeeding: At the hospital

Breastfeeding has been an uphill battle since Day 0.  Nothing has tested my patience and motivation more in my entire life. I questioned sharing my experience because it has been such an emotional time for me (and McKenna... and Kevin). The number of times I have almost quit in the last 3 weeks is pretty great, and I would say breastfeeding is still not 100% established.

Problems started at the first attempt to feed. Not 2 hours after birth, McKenna, the nurse, and I struggled to get her to eat.  Luckily newborns barely need much at all in the first hours and couple of days so we had time to work and figure out what was going on. As each new round of nurses took over, our experience grew more frustrating.  Some nurses were patient, informative, and helpful. Others were impatient and clearly irritated with my every 2 hour ring for help. One in particular grabbing at my very sore breast and shoving McKenna un-mercilessly and painfully on it as she shrilled. Sure she got her to latch (once), but the experience left me (and I'm sure McKenna) exhausted. I had Kevin request a Lactation Consultant come to our room, to which this nurse replied "They don't work on the weekends. I am your lactation consultant" in a condescending tone because clearly I didn't want her help.

Our second night in the hospital was when we made the executive decision to begin pumping and feed her with a dropper. I was upset about this because we couldn't figure out what the problem was and I was extremely adamant about exclusively breastfeeding. But McKenna needed to eat.  I believe it was this nurse that pointed out that there was something strange about McKenna's tongue.  Luckily she made a note for the lactation consultant to visit me first thing in the morning (Monday).

Sure enough, as the lactation consultant grabbed at my nipple dangling it in McKenna's face (with my OB, the nurse, Kevin, and a nursing student all spectating, mind you) she confirmed that McKenna had an attached frenulum, commonly known as a tongue-tie.  She stopped trying to get McKenna to latch (as if to give up) and began explaining the ramifications of this news.  While I have read that there have been tongue-tied babies that have gone on to successfully breastfeed, this didn't seem to be the case for McKenna according to the lactation consultant. I began bawling, seemingly certain that breastfeeding could not occur for us. She began explaining the process of getting it clipped and the need to see a specialist.  In this blur of shear devastation, she recommended supplementing McKenna with some formula, to which we went ahead and did at that moment.

I felt completely defeated and helpless, we hadn't even been given a chance. The lactation consultant went through the motions of explaining to us the rigorous schedule I'd need to keep in order to pump exclusively for McKenna until we made a decision about her frenulum. I really didn't process any of this information as she handed us printouts and proceeded to the next room on her rounds.  According to these printouts, I had a rocky road and very sleepless nights attached to an electric pump ahead of me.

Kevin and I had the decision to make about her frenulum, and unfortunately would need to wait until her 5 day appointment with her pediatrician a couple of days later.  Until then, McKenna would be using bottles of my pumped milk. I felt more and more hopeless about succeeding at breastfeeding with each bottle we gave her (because babies become accustomed to bottle nipples and the ease of feeding from it), but we were given no other choice. The days from learning this news to her pediatrician appointment were by far the longest of my life.

McKenna's First Bath

There are some milestones and events of a newborn's life that people inadvertently place fear into the hearts of new parents (namely, every new experience that occurs). I would imagine that the anxiety alone is enough to make it a difficult experience for both parents and baby. The First Bath is no different.  It is so common to hear that Babies HATE baths (envisioning a crying, shrilling, cold, shivering baby is enough to make me upset!). So naturally, there was a bit of anxiety on my behalf (Kevin has yet to really experience any major sort of anxiety, aside from hearing his Lil Princess cry for more than 20 seconds).

We had already given McKenna a sponge bath the previous week that went relatively smoothly.  She was whining most of the sponge bath but not shrilling (though she doesn't look very happy in the pictures). Luckily Daddy did a stupendous job and that went rather quickly.

When her umbilical cord finally fell off (perfectly timed just hours before her newborn photo shoot) we knew it was time for The First Bath.  I was excited to get the adorable bathtub out and see what it was all about, but was still nervous about her crying through the whole thing.

Daddy headed up Bath time. We ended up with the Fisher-Price Animal Cracker Rinsin' Fun Tub -- it had everything I was looking for and I love the soft colors and neutral design (and it matched the Baby swing we got :-). We found no need to keep the tub in the kitchen or bathroom, we thought it would be better to have it somewhere we could easily hold on to McKenna (and without overhead lights beaming on her face).

The mesh newborn add-in looked way too small for any full-term baby to fit in, but I was wrong.  She fit snugly in with just a little bit of her body resting in the water..... AND SHE LOVED IT.

 

I think she was more upset when bathtime was over, though she didn't seem chilly whatsoever (then again, Kevin has repeatedly told me how hot I have been keeping the house!).

In a continued effort to establish breastfeeding and bonding (which I will get to in a subsequent post), a few days later we attempted McKenna taking a bath with me, and she loved that even more! Sorry, no pictures LOL. She loved being submerged (though for my own anxiety wasn't too deep), she stretched her legs out, and even enjoyed the back of her head floating in the water.  I was too scared to put her ears under just yet. I know, I'm crazy. I'm also a first time Mommy that has NO CLUE what she is doing!  If you try this, I would recommend having Hubby or your significant other there to hand her off and take her once the bath is done so you aren't trying to get in and out of the bathtub with a slippery baby.

So, not all babies hate baths... there is hope!  Makes me want to ignore EVERY piece of advice about what babies "Love" and "Hate" because each baby truly is unique.  And we are happy to promote our little one being a little fishy so we can utilize the pool when summer temperatures return (though the high outside today is in the 80s, the pool temperature will take a while to get back to enjoyable).

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day was my first opportunity to play dress up with my beautiful baby girl.  She was a trooper! Clearly uninterested in wearing a tutu, but she doesn't mind the headbands one bit!

We also had our first mini-outing with McKenna on Valentine's Day.  The Budweiser Clydesdales were in town for the Edison Festival of Lights, and we were able to make it to one of their appearances nearby.  I only agreed to do this if I was able to figure out how to use the Boba wrap.

First Try!

As expected, the moment we took McKenna out of the Boba for a couple of pictures there was a swarm of people around her.  Exactly why I have wanted to hibernate at home throughout flu season.  So we snapped a couple of shots, and back into the Boba she went. Sorry to anyone who asked how old she was, I was a bit short and snappy... stop breathing on my Baby!!

Finally, to end the day, Kevin and I ordered sushi to go from our favorite sushi spot.  This marked my first taste of sushi since May, and I was SOOOOOOO happy!!

That was the first day I felt like a normal human since before she was born... I forgot the world is still turning outside our house!

2 weeks as a family

I am spending a bit of time on our Labor and Delivery story because I want to be sure to document as many details as I can remember (even though it all seems like a blur), but I have the itch to divulge.

I have never felt such a range of intense emotions all at once.  Two weeks has never flown by and never drug on as much as these last two have. Every mom has told me their woes of unstable first few weeks, but I have found, as with all pregnancy, labor, delivery, and newborn "horror stories", there is NOTHING that can prepare you for it.  The last two weeks of my life have been the most ambivalent, confusing, stressful, exhausting, emotional all while the most fulfilling, loving, joyous, compassionate of my life.

Thank you hormones, life changes, lack of sleep, my husband (duh, "he did this to me", right?), and most importantly, my beautiful baby girl.  I now believe you can't truly understand the meaning of life without the experience of giving another human being life, at least for me.

The dynamic between Kevin and I has changed dramatically as well. I feel closer to him than I ever have, and he has made an incredibly tremendous effort to make me feel beautiful, cared for, and valued through this roller coaster. We have made a great team, and I look forward to every step of this journey with him.

I cannot even begin to elaborate how blessed I am to be able to hold this little person in my arms and say "we did this."  There is no greater joy.

McKenna Elyse has arrived!

Yep. You guessed it. There was no 39 week chalkboard update. I have been MIA because our precious baby girl McKenna Elyse arrived at February 1st: 38 weeks, 6 days.

Amusingly, she decided to let us know she was ready to come on Saturday the 1st, a little over 24 hours after my post about "please, please, please wait for Monday." That was just asking for her to come that weekend!  You'll have to hang in a bit as Mommy transitions to newborn life to get the story.

McKenna was born 10:31 PM February 1, 2014, 7 pounds 6 ounces, 20 inches long.

I will be writing my point-of-view of our day in a subsequent post, but I wanted to say that we are alive, well, and adjusting to life with an incredible baby girl.