With the frenulum clipped, we now had the physiological hurdle removed from the breastfeeding equation. The next part would prove to be the most difficult: the psychological. By this point, McKenna was enjoying simple and convenient feedings from the bottle. Why in the hell should she make the effort to learn how to get it from the nipple that takes ten times longer and a whole lot more work? She would complete a meal in 2 minutes (even with a slow flow nipple), when breastfeeding can take anywhere from 10-60 minutes for a feeding. We experienced the same struggles with our feedings attempts as we did before the clip.
At this point, my emotion state was still extremely questionable. Kevin had called for me to quit trying completely, not because he was unsupportive, but because of what the whole situation was doing to my mental and emotional well-being. We would still have a completely healthy and happy baby if she was not breastfed. What good am I to my Baby if I am an emotional wreck that can't string together an entire sentence. If you can believe it, I will add that I am downplaying how rough this situation really was for me.
The one positive to this experience was the AMOUNT of milk I was producing. I was diligent. Within a couple of days of my milk coming in I was producing more than 5 ounces in roughly 15 minutes, and would eventually completely fill both bottles before my pumping session was over. Within 2 days frozen milk bags already took up an entire shelf in the freezer.
For the record, this is NOT normal for 2 weeks post-partum! Many would say, "Good Job!," but making too much milk has its own set of disadvantages as we will find out. I digress.
With one day of unsuccessful feeding post-clip, I made an appointment with a lactation consultant.
At this appointment she monitored McKenna's latch and recognized that she could successfully breastfeed if she chose to, she had just already grown accustomed to the bottle. Due to the amount of milk I was producing, she recommended I start using a nipple shield. There is quite a bit of controversy behind this if you google it, as it can effect milk supply and the amount of milk transferred to baby. And all it does it get Baby used to something else that's not the real nipple. But having McKenna eating from my breast was a step closer to where we wanted to be. We popped that little piece of silicon on my breast and McKenna immediately started eating. I instantly felt some relief. I would need to keep a particularly close eye on McKenna's weight and diaper output to make sure she was getting enough food. [It is recommended that anyone using a shield work with a lactation consultant.]
While this put her at my breast, I quickly grew an aversion to using it. Strangely, I felt like a failure. Why doesn't she want to feed from ME? The shield also began to pinch with every feeding (think, the type of pinch when you get bloodwork done, but on your nipple. Not Fun.). I began to dread every time she looked like she was getting hungry because it hurt so badly.
Every strategy I attempted to remove it proved extremely unsuccessful, leading to Mommy and Baby crying uncontrollably and Mommy in severe pain. Offering sans shield at the beginning, halfway through, at the end, when she was sleeping, when she was drowsy, during the day, middle of the night, you name it, I attempted it. There would be a fluke feeding from time to time where she would take it sans shield. Ultimately, this is what we would build upon as the days went on.
Due to the concern of losing my supply during this time, the pumping routine also stayed in place. So sleep was still non-existent, but now Daddy couldn't help with feedings because I refused to offer bottles. I wanted to quit so badly, I even began writing a post during one of my middle-of-the-night pumping sessions about accepting the idea of exclusively breast pumping, what I would consider the most strenuous form of feeding because of the multi-step process.
Through all of this it was tough to remember the most important thing, she was still getting my breast milk. And she was gaining weight. This is really what mattered.
But I persevered. Again, nothing has ever tested my patience so much in my entire life.
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